Archive for the ‘mental health’ Category
Posted in mental health, tagged happiness, holy moments, life and living, positive psychology, the art of living on May 3, 2014| Leave a Comment »
My Dark Ages: Years that have Shattered, Tested and Transformed Me (Part Two)
Posted in mental health on December 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »
“Life does not accommodate you, it shatters you…Every seed destroys its container or else there would be no fruition.”
~ Florida Scott-Maxwell ~
On a beautiful, light filled Thursday afternoon in August of 2010, I learned that my mother had lung cancer. I remember standing stunned in the dooryard; the phone pressed tightly against my ear while my mother’s voice drifted in and out of focus. I recall very little of what we said that day, only that I commanded myself to sound strong and in control and braced myself as best I could, knowing all too well that from the moment I heard the words, lung cancer, the world as I knew it was never going to be the same again.
I immediately arranged to fly to Florida and to take a leave of absence from my psychotherapy practice in Maine. I stepped onto the plane as my mother’s frightened daughter, and disembarked as her primary caregiver. Between August of 2010 and November of 2012 I would make frequent trips between Maine and Florida, doing my best to keep track of my mother’s treatments and medications, to comfort and keep her fed and clean when the chemotherapy and radiation proved too brutal, and prepare myself and my family for what became more and more inevitable.
Within three weeks after rejoining my family following my first four emotionally and physically exhausting months in Florida, Kevin, my sweet husband, the man whom had represented safety to me throughout my entire adulthood, fell apart. Besieged by agonizing and unrelenting panic attacks for the first time in his life, he found himself one morning too weak and too ill to get out of bed. He felt trapped by his pain, by his panic, and by his life. He’d left the corporate world, and sacrificed his six-figure income in order to engage in more meaningful work, only to discover far greater dysfunction than he’d ever confronted in the corporate world. He struggled for months attempting to accomplish the impossible until he collapsed, broken down and worn out by the sense of helplessness, anxiety and futility that he’d carried day after day. Leaving his job and abandoning his career was an act of both desperation and courage. At fifty-two he found himself unemployed, his future uncertain, and our income pared down to one fifth of what it had been.
Two weeks after I returned to Florida to resume my caretaking duties, I received a phone call informing me that Kristen, my precious only child, had been hospitalized for post- partum psychosis. She’d grown delusional, battling urges to put her fingers on the burner of her stove and observe how long it took them to burn to bone, and had been hiding in the closet with her children, certain that ‘they’ were coming to take one away. When I learned of her illness, I immediately made arrangements to fly home, terrified for my daughter while devastated at the same time to be abandoning my cancer ridden mother. I remember sitting stiffly on the plane, my jaw clenched and my stomach in knots, enduring alternating waves of guilt and fear.
After being placed on a waiting list for far longer than I would have believed possible under the circumstances, the treatment Kristen received was far from adequate. For close to a year, she, her father, husband, and I stumbled through a ghastly twilight zone as diagnoses shifted and the number of heavy-duty psychotropic medications she was prescribed grew at an alarming rate. I struggled to contain my mounting panic as my beautiful child drifted further and further away from her family, exiled by mental illness and the medication that was supposed to cure it. And I, a seasoned mental health professional, could not bring her safely home to us.
Note: Continued in Part three
My Dark Ages: Years that have Shattered, Tested and Transformed Me (Part One)
Posted in crisis, death, depression, grief, healing, mental health, resiliance, transformation, trauma, tagged Broken heart, new year, Pain on December 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »
Photographer: Kristen Fowles
The following is the first of three related blog posts.
On this, the last day of 2013, I’m reflecting on the past three years, – years that have proven to be the most painful and challenging of my adult life — my very own dark ages. These have been years that both tested and shattered me. Years that I have needed every bit of wisdom and skill accumulated over a lifetime to pick up the pieces of my broken self. Years that broke my heart and beat me down. Years that I would never ever want to face again, years that had I been forewarned about, I would have run from screaming.
Why am I about to share such a huge part of my personal life here in this blog? Because of an email that a young woman sent me. An email that contained so much despair that it kept me tossing and turning last night until the wee hours of this morning. She ended her email by writing that while she appreciated my wisdom and compassion, she knew I couldn’t possibly understand, and though I had worked hard and deserved all the wonderful gifts that my life contained, I had not had to face anything like what she was confronting now. She concluded that some things that happen to us simply demolish us, leaving us without hope and in total darkness.
I wrote back to her explaining that I know all too well about fumbling hopelessly in the dark along an uncharted path which offered inadequate shelter and no exits. During these past three years I’ve endured pain so heavy and dense that even now it can literally take my breath away, have suffered so intensely that my body has still not recovered, and have fought to control a rage so consuming that I sometimes fear it will burn me alive if I cannot break free of it. Living has hurt, hurt desperately. And much of what I have lost, I can never, ever recover.
I will share some of what these past three years have contained in my next two blog posts, as I am only now beginning to truly fathom how they have shattered, tested, taught, and transformed me. I’m sharing this painful part of my life in order to connect with, reassure, and honor all of those who have lived through or are suffering through their own period of pain and darkness. They are my sisters and brothers and I am holding them close in my heart as I write…
I Will Not Die an Unlived Life
Posted in awe and wonder, death, good life, happiness, healing, hope, Inspiration, meaning, mental health, Poetry, resiliance, transformation, wisdom on November 9, 2013| Leave a Comment »
Art by Steve Hanks, Bookends
One easy way that you can tell which books in my library have touched or taught me the most would be to notice which are the most marked up. I came across a book just the other day that is filled with yellow highlights, it’s Dawna Markova’s, “I Will Not Die an Unlived Life.” Beautiful and wise. Reminding us of what’s sacred, asking us what it would look like to live our lives “fully, sensually alive, and passionately, on purpose.” Encouraging us to live days that are “a sweet and slow ceremony” and nudging us as winter approaches to let go of “what no longer is alive, to get bare enough to find the bones of what is important” to us.
“I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit. ”
~Dawna Markova~
Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes for Depression
Posted in depression, healing, healing recovery, hope, males and depression, mental health, online psychology videos, tagged depression, healing, life style changes, recovery on July 11, 2013| Leave a Comment »
Are you wondering what you can do to overcome depression in addition to psychotherapy and medication? You may want to watch the video above which features Stephen Ilardi, associate professor of psychology at the University of Kansas, sharing his research findings regarding how life style changes can significantly reduce symptoms of depression. You’re probably in control of much more than you realize.
10 Days to Greater Health and Happiness: An Experiment with Gaiam TV
Posted in health, Inspiration, mental health, Uncategorized, wisdom, tagged Gaiam TV, health and wellness on September 30, 2012| 3 Comments »
Within the past year I’ve reduced my carbon footprint and my work hours while increasing the number of hours I volunteer and engage in mindfulness meditation. I take a water aerobics class and have resumed my journal practice. Still, I consume too much fat and sugar, worry too much, and don’t eat enough fruits and vegtables or exercise enough. Sufficient self care is time consuming and requires a level of commitment and motivation that I don’t always muster.
And so yesterday I decided to conduct an experiment. I signed up for the 10 day free trial with Gaiam TV. I like the idea of having hundreds of videos on exercise, yoga, and meditation at my finger tips and documentaries, films, and interviews that promote emotional, spiritual, and psychological growth and well-being just a click away. Yesterday (day one of my 10 day trial) I took a tai chi class in the comfort of my living room and watched a thought provoking documentary on life and death. Today, I did twenty minutes worth of dancercize before heading off to visit a friend. For the next 8 mornings I’m planning on doing yoga, qigong, aerobics, pilates and strenght training. I’m also looking forward to relaxing at the end of the day with films on compassion, personal development, health and wellness, spirituality, and more. As always, looking for more ways to follow the door mouse’s advice (remember the old song, “go ask Alice?”) to “feed your head.”
The Surprising Science Behind Happiness
Posted in good life, happiness, mental health, positive psychology, tagged happiness, mental health, positive psychology on May 29, 2012| Leave a Comment »
In a short TED talk, Nancy Etcoff, evolutionary psychologist and faculty member at Harvard Medical school, discusses (among other things) what cognitive science can tell us about the ways in which we attempt to achieve and increase our happiness, how surprisingly little it has to do with our circumstances, and its effects on our bodies. Some of what she shares may very well surprise you.
Here’s one brief quote from her talk, “…people are happiest when in flow, when they’re absorbed in something out in the world, when they’re with other people, when they’re active, engaged in sports, focusing on a loved one, learning, having sex, whatever. They’re not sitting in front of the mirror trying to figure themselves out, or thinking about themselves. These are not the periods when you feel happiest…”
One of the Greatest Discoveries of Our Era
Posted in good life, happiness, healing, hope, mental health, positive psychology, resiliance, transformation, tagged happiness, living well, mental health, neurobiology on March 26, 2012| 1 Comment »
Diane Ackerman wrote in the New York Times, “A relatively new field, called interpersonal neurobiology, draws its vigor from one of the great discoveries of our era: that the brain is constantly rewiring itself based on daily life. In the end, what we pay the most attention to defines us. How you choose to spend the irreplaceable hours of your life literally transforms you.” A message well worth reminding ourselves of daily.
Why I Incorporate Positive Psychology into My Therapy
Posted in childhood suffering, crisis, depression, healing, healing recovery, hope, mental health, positive psychology, psychotherapy, therapy, tagged healing, Hope, positive psychology, psychotherapy, therapy on February 17, 2012| 2 Comments »
“There are no hopeless situations; there are only people who have grown hopeless about them.”
Author Unknown
Being a proponent for strength based therapies for the past twenty years, I was extremely receptive when positive psychology was first introduced to the world. Like so many therapists, I’d experienced that terrible sense of hopelessness that periodically emerged during my early years as a therapist as I and my client become entrenched in the muck of pain and pathology. There in my light filled office, muscles tensed and heart heavy, gazing into the eyes of someone whom I had come to care deeply about, I all too often came perilously close to developing tunnel vision. I had witnessed the pain, listened compassionately, and carefully gathered up the shattered pieces of a broken story, while failing to truly see the
epic tale before me
I had come close enough to not only touch the wounds, but to hold them closely, and yet I had allowed precious and essential aspects of my client to move beyond my immediate reach – all of those experiences, lessons, wisdom, and unique strengths and gifts that my client possessed which absolutely guaranteed a successful (though never without risk or pain)passage.
When I learned to adapt my lens so that I could readily shift my focus back and forth between pain and possibility, pathology and promise, I not only improved my effectiveness and enhanced my vision – I discovered an inner voice. This voice has sustained me through many difficult, frightening and even heart breaking journeys with clients, and while this voice still expresses self-doubt and even despair, it is never without hope. And with hope in tact, we can go on. I can go on.
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