Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘mental health’ Category

Each Day is a GiftThis morning a woman activist and leader that I respect tremendously asked the following question, ” How do group leaders best support the suffering that comes with all the feelings people might be having? How do we support ourselves and each other so that we come back for another round? ”  Her question stayed with me throughout the morning because it is a question I have regularly been asking myself.  Finally, I sat down and wrote the following:

Of Dark Nights and Women’s Wisdom

As winter settles in and deepens here in Maine, I am painfully aware that we in the United States have entered into a very cold, dark, and perilous time, one that leaves me with an almost perpetual sense of carrying a leaden ball lodged within the center of my stomach.  My heart aches, and my jaw regularly clenches in anger and frustration, and I am all too often these days navigating this sweet little life of mine within the constraints of grief and sorrow.   And this pain, while different, is similar in some ways to how I felt while I was caring for my mother before she died of lung cancer.  She wasn’t entirely lost to me yet, but with each day I felt her slipping further away from me, and the anticipation of her passing left me feeling hollow, heavy, and empty.

The growing threats to my grandchildren’s health, security, and to their very futures leaves me grief-stricken, and the daily assaults on my democracy, my planet, and to a way of life that I had the luxury of taking for granted for so long,  has left me in a nauseating state of shock and disbelief.  I fumble for words, search for answers, and ache for hope.

The outcome of the 2016 election should not have left me blindsided.  As in the case of most catastrophes, there were warnings of the coming disaster, foreshadowing’s of what would eventually arise.  There were calamities in the Midwest where countless Americans lost jobs, homes, dignity, health insurance, and faith, who struggled to survive in an abandoned segment of the country that would eventually be deemed “the landscape of despair.”

There were so many betrayals of middle-class Americans perpetrated in this “flawed democracy” by parties that were no longer found credible or trustworthy by many of the people they claimed to serve.  My America became a place where laws were shaped and land and lives diminished or destroyed by greed and big money; where economic and social inequality continued to grow at astounding rates; where corporations were granted the rights of citizens, and the pursuit of profit became the great axis upon which our broken world turned.

I tell myself that there have been other dark days in America – slavery, the great depression, McCarthyism, the Vietnam war, the assassinations of Lincoln, Martin Luther King, and the Kennedys, the shame of Watergate and other calamities that don’t immediately come to mind.  I tell myself that I cannot give into the despair that seems to be constantly peering over my shoulder, and climbing into bed with me at night.  I coax myself into doing the “next right thing” – writing a letter to my senator, showing up at my representative’s office, following the instructions of Moveon and Indivisible.  I’m bone tired though.  I want to curl up with a novel, turn off the news, focus on my own privileged life.  I can’t begin to express how tempted I am to throw up my hands in surrender in spite of the fact that I’ve barely gotten started.

How do they manage to keep going, those activists that have spent entire lifetimes fighting for social and economic justice, clean water and air, and governmental accountability?  There have always been too many of ‘us’ and too few of ‘them.’  By ‘them’ I mean the ones who have kept fighting, and by ‘us,’ I am referring to the ones (like myself) who have lived our lives for the most part in oblivion, striving primarily for our own security and success, and for that of our loved ones.  ‘Us’ meaning those who are sympathetic enough to shed a tear, make a modest financial contribution, or say a prayer for the suffering of others, but for the most part then quickly turn away.  And now, in large part, I suspect, because of those of ‘us’ who were distracted by our own interests and ambitions, those other ‘them’s’ – the ones who possess the lion’s share of wealth, power and privilege – may have managed to purchase our country and close the deal.

I’m not by nature an optimist, pessimism appears to be as fixed in my genes as the brown eyes that I inherited from my ancestors, and that peer back at me at each Byram family gathering.  And yet, I am aware with every weary fiber of my being that permanently giving into despair is not a viable option.  I tell myself that I need to stay strong, stay motivated, stay the course.  I reassure myself that it’s alright to feel the despair, anger, frustration, and anxiety that gets kindled within me with just about every new news cycle, providing that I don’t surrender to it.  But most of all, I draw from the wise women both living and now past who have weathered their own individual and collective dark nights, and had some understanding of how to navigate them.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, analyst and author of Women Who Run with the Wolves, cautions that during dark times we have a tendency to concentrate on all that is broken and unmended in our world, an inclination that only serves to weaken and disempower us.  She urges us to not lose heart, that we must stand up and show our souls, and promises that “we were made for these times.”  Every heartache, disappointment, injustice, failure, and triumph that we have faced along the singular paths that each of us has traveled, has served to prepare us for days such as these.

Audre Lorde, writer, and activist informed us that combatting despair doesn’t mean turning away from or minimizing the enormity and danger that is posed by the forces that we are up against, but that we must teach, fight and survive with the greatest resource available to us – our very own selves.  It means acknowledging both the enemies without as well as those that dwell within us – the voices that live in our own heads that warn that we are not strong enough, wealthy enough, smart enough, young enough, old enough, advantaged enough, numerous enough to win.  It means heeding our wise ancestor, Alice Walker’s warning that “the most common way people give up their power is by thinking that they don’t have any,” that we believe her when she tells us that we each contain our own unique form of genius, and that “a people do not throw their geniuses away. If they do, it is our duty as witnesses to the future to collect them again for the sake of our children.  If necessary, bone by bone.” Not giving into despair means recognizing that our work now is not an isolated mission, but a continuation of the sacred and often brutal labor of women who came before us to claim their power, their voices, their rights, and to protect the very earth upon which we each tread and depend.  Within this context our struggle has meaning beyond our own individual lives – it did not begin with our births and will not end with our deaths.  It means that we must not surrender to despair, we must push through it – and beyond it.

The role of an activist is hard, long, and painful, and is, as Rebecca Solnit observed, “…not a journey to the corner store, but a plunge into the dark.” Solnit understands that many of us have been so much better at “imagining the end of the world, which is so much easier than the strange sidelong paths of change in a world without end.”  On my darkest days, I am most definitely among those with vivid and terrible fantasies of the end of my democracy, my country as I know it, of my grandchildren’s hopeful futures, and the slow, heartbreaking death of my unspeakably terrible, and immeasurably beautiful planet.  When I surrender to my worst nightmares, I am so overcome with anger and heartbreak that there is little room for the sweet, elusive dreams that I so dearly want to hold onto. I am anchored by my grief, head down in surrender, frozen in the claustrophobic territory of despair.  And here I remain until finally, I am called forward again by the voices of women like that of musician and activist, Joan Baez, who urges me onward with her bold assertion that there is an antidote to my despair, and that antidote is action.

Corinne McLaughlin, author, educator, and director of the Center for Visionary Leadership advises that acknowledging and honoring what is right and good and beautiful about our country is as important as what we currently resist, feel threatened by, and hate about what is rising within it.  That we must create a vision for what we fight for, and that we nurture ourselves and one another as we struggle to give birth to our dreams for a more just, more equitable, kinder world.  And author and activist, Terry Tempest Williams gently reminds us, “Finding beauty in a broken world is creating beauty in a world we find.”

And then there are those brave and constant spirits of the women who share my own tiny piece of the universe here in Maine – women like Patricia Fogg, Jennifer Jones, Kim Simmons, Anne Marie, and Stacy Leafsong.  Unless you live in Maine, these names will most likely be unknown to you, although you too are blessed with women who have different names but share the same remarkable dedication and resolve.  These women walk beside us.  They teach us, implore us, inform us, and urge us on.  They live and work among us – and they are among the best of us.  It is these beautiful, strong, determined women who give me hope, strength and shore up my faltering resolve.  And so, here I have it – famous women, wise women, my neighbors and friends, living and dead women –  my village, my tribe, my hope.  They are my light in the darkness and a timeless reminder that, in the words of Annie Dillard, “There is no one but us.  There is no one to send, not a clean hand or a pure heart on the face of the earth or in the earth – only us… unfit, not yet ready, having each of us chosen wrongly, made a false start, yielded to impulse and the tangled comfort of pleasures, and grown exhausted, unable to seek the thread, weak and uninvolved.  But there is no one but us.  There never has been.”

And so I go on…

Tammie Byram Fowles

Read Full Post »

Living in Gratitude

As Christmas approaches, and the bad news continues to swirl all around me – threats to the earth, peace, social justice, and our democracy – I’m reminded again of the benefits of integrating a regular gratitude practice into my life.  This not only makes sense to me on an intuitive level, research demonstrates significant benefits to our minds, bodies, and spirits (for more details you might want to read, “Giving Thanks: The Effects of Joy and Gratitude on the Human Body” ) of practicing gratitude.

Episcopal priest and author, Matthew Fox, shares that gratitude is at the heart of his spirituality. Roman Catholic theologian, David Steindl-Rast, advises that gratitude is the primary source of our happiness, and Greek Philosopher, Epictetus, maintains that gratitude is a characteristic of wisdom.

And then there’s my own experience.  When I practice gratitude on a daily basis I not only feel better, I believe that I become a better person. I’m more generous, appreciative, peaceful, and more easily open to wonder and awe. When my practice slips away, it’s not long before I notice the difference. I’m much more likely to be vulnerable to resentment, discontentment, and anxiety. I tend to worry more and sleep less; hoard more and give less; work more and delight less.

Melodie Beattie observed, “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity… It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

My life is fuller when I consciously practice gratitude.  I’m touched by so much beauty, kindness, simple pleasures, and so very many blessings that I might have otherwise overlooked had my heart not been sufficiently opened up to receive them.

May you open your own heart to fully receive the blessings of this season… 

Gratitude Resources

Gratefulness.org

Spirituality & Practice: Gratitude

Highlights from the Research Project on Gratitude and Thankfulness 


Read Full Post »

journal at wayne

“To heal is to make whole: to unify what was separate, broken in pieces.  For many women, the journal offers one place in their lives where, literally and symbolically, all the pieces of themselves finally come together and they can be whole.” 

Marlene A. Schiwy, “A Voice of Her Own”

Last night someone wrote to me about a post I’d written at my former blog,  Psychotherapy, Creativity, Spirituality and Healing .  I’d forgotten about that blog and my  late night visit brought back so many sweet memories, forgotten or neglected wisdom, and old heartaches now viewed with a different, generally clearer lens.  Spending time among words that I’d shared so long ago reminded me once again of how important writing can be for providing continuity and perspective, and has prompted me to begin adding many of those old posts to this blog (to join pieces of my past with my present).  It also renewed my commitment to make time start to start writing here again.  I’m hoping too that I can encourage you to do your own writing, and so I plan on sharing writing prompts with you from time to time.  I imagine that you’re busier than you might want to be already and will very likely struggle to find time to sit and reflect, or to indulge your creative side, but I hope that you do.  I know that it will be worth it even if you’re not convinced yet.

“Hello old friend.  Sure is nice to see you once again… “

Read Full Post »

 

For a remarkable seventy five years the Harvard Study of Adult Development closely followed the lives of 724 men (it’s regrettable that women weren’t included in the study)  in order to determine (among other things) what keeps us “happy and healthy as we go through life.”

In an article Posted today by The Daily Good entitled, ‘What Makes a Good Life‘ which summarized the results of the study ,  Robert Waldinger shares  that the primary lesson that came out of the “tens of thousands of pages of information”generated by the study of these individual’s lives was that it’s not fame and fortune that makes people happy and healthy but rather,  “good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”

In ‘Decoding Keys to a Healthy Life,’ Alvin Powell shared Robert Waldinger’s (director of the study) observation,  “We used to think that if you had relatives who lived to a ripe old age, that the following  was the best predictor of a long life…It turns out that the lifestyle choices people make in midlife are a more important predictor of how long you live.”

In light of the above findings, it would seem that the following questions might be really important to ask ourselves.   “How will  the choices I’m making now impact my future health and happiness?  Am I  exercising enough?  How am I managing stress?  Am I making healthy food choices?  Am I cultivating a spiritual life?  And most importantly it would seem,  am I spending enough quality time with friends and family?

What wisdom might your answers to these questions offer you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

I made a spontaneous decision to give folks a short tour of SagePlace.  This is an unedited video and so please overlook the many less than perfect moments.  I wanted it to be authentic vs. polished.

Read Full Post »

Cultivating Gratitude

The video above is an excerpt from a talk  by Robert Emmons,   professor of psychology at the University of California, and author of “Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude can Make you Happier.”

Emmons observes, ” Gratitude is not easy. It’s not something that comes naturally, but has to be worked at. It has to be cultivated. It goes far beyond saying ‘thank you.’ It’s deeper than that; it can be a really fundamental way of viewing life, an orientation toward life itself.”

Emmons asserts that gratitude changes lives.  My own experience has certainly supported his assertion.  The more I practice gratitude, the more resilient and optimistic I feel.  How are you at experiencing gratitude?  Want to get better at it?

Following are some resources that you might find helpful.

Enhance Happiness and Health

Six Ways to Cultivate Gratitude

A Practical Guide to Gratitude

A Meditation for Cultivating Gratitude

Gratitude as a Spiritual Practice 

Read Full Post »

On January 22 from 7:00 to 8:30 join us in a warm and cozy environment to refresh your soul and deepen your spiritual life.  We’ll be discussing the first three chapters of “When the Heart Waits” by Sue Monk Kidd. While the group is free, you must pre-register by email in order to participate. Put “register me” for book group in subject line. Register at: tammiefowles@gmail.com

For more information visit: https://www.facebook.com/events/852567931430974/

sue monk kidd quote

Read Full Post »

We’re so busy these days, more often than not it seems, too buried beneath the often insignificant details of our lives to fully live them, or as Gregg Levoy observes, “to make them literally come true.”

What would it mean to make your life come true?   According to the dictionary, ‘true’ is defined as “real, genuine, authentic.”  From this perspective, how true is your life?  Is it guided by what you believe to be meaningful and ethical?  What fills your hours?  Your days?  Do they contain what truly matters most to you?  What percentage of your time does what you say and do genuinely reflect who you are and what you love?  How real, genuine, and authentic does your life feel?

In an article entitled, To Be Seen, Tim Kutzmark lamented,  “Look around—we are a people of masks and disguises. We are a people who have been taught to transform ourselves into what others need us to be… We’ve come to believe that most people don’t want to see or hear what we feel, what we need, who we are. We’ve learned that most people don’t want to see the messiness and confusion that each of us carries inside. We’ve learned that only parts of ourselves are publicly presentable. Other parts must be hidden away. For acceptability, approval or promotion, we conceal the rough edges, the broken places…”

In one of my favorite children’s stories, The Velveteen Rabbit, the little toy rabbit who longs to be real asks his companion, the skin horse, how he might become real.  The wise old skin horse replies ,  ‘It doesn’t happen all at once… You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

While I’m reasonably certain that I was absolutely  real as a child, returning to that elusive and imperfect state is proving to be  a long and frequently demanding journey.  The outer world’s claims on my time, energy, and psyche all too often distract and sometimes overwhelm me, while the inner voice that calls me towards greater authenticity issues its own demands.  It has  repeatedly insisted that I piece together those places inside of myself that have been broken or discarded in order to be whole again.  It urges me to reveal  my weaknesses and vulnerabilities rather than to hide them away in shame.  It insists  that my behavior not contradict my values, orders that less  of my time be wasted on things that don’t matter much, mercilessly rejects all attempts on my part to deceive either myself or others,  and unrelentingly calls on me to listen to my love and not my fear.

   Along the way to becoming real, like the velveteen rabbit,  I’ve suffered significant scars, and am no longer the beauty that I once was when I was untried, unmasked, and brand new.  And yet, as I continue to work on living consistently smack dab in the middle of my truth, I find new opportunities and new doors being opened up.  I encounter teachers every where (when I am open to them) that encourage me to do my very best to make as much as I possibly can of the sweet life that is left to me come true.

Read Full Post »

The very same holiday rituals that were filled with Joy during other years can become acutely painful when we’re grieving .  So much that warmed our spirits  during happier times now leave us cold, adding still more weight to hearts so heavy  that we may be exhausted from carrying them around.

I lovingly reach out to those of you who are hurting during these holidays to reassure you that as painful as they can be,  you can not only get through them, you can experience brief and beautiful moments of love,  awe, gratitude and perhaps even joy. In addition to the video above,  you may also find the following articles helpful.

How to Help Ourselves Through the Holidays

Meaningful Remembrance Ideas for Holiday Grief

During this difficult time of year when the absence of someone you love can feel so much more profound  than their presence did the year before,  and you have no choice but to grieve while the celebration goes on around you, I urge you to make every modest and healing decision that you possibly can. Decide to take in the love that still surrounds you even if only for a moment. Decide to touch someone else’s holiday in a modest but meaningful way. Decide to acknowledge the multitude of gifts that still grace your life – a beautiful sunset, a perfect snowflake,  the rich aroma of a scrumptious pie in the oven, the presence of light at the push of a button, a warm home, loving hearts,  unanticipated gifts of grace that are already on their way, and so much more….

I bless you.  I bless your magnificent, wounded, heavy, and yet still bravely beating heart……

It will get easier, I promise…….

Tammie

Read Full Post »

“Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.”

Gail Sheehy

    From time to time I will be using this blog to introduce some of you and to remind others of  women who offer us significant insight, courage and wisdom.  The first woman that I’m featuring here is Gail Sheehy.

When my daughter, Kristen, was growing up she and I frequently visited used book stores.  One afternoon while I was completely absorbed in the stacks she tapped me on the shoulder and when I looked up, she handed me a book.  It was a copy of Gail Sheehy’s, Passages.  “Don’t you wish that you’d written this mom?” she asked.  “Why honey?”  “Because I see this book in every store we go to,  she must have sold a million of them!” she replied enthusiastically.

My little girl was right on both counts, the book had been a best seller (making Tom Butler Bowden’s list of 50 top psychology classics) and yes, actually, now that she’d mentioned it, I did wish that I’d written it.

Sheehy reassures us that once we reach our mid forties, it truly isn’t  “all downhill from there.”  In  fact, as we enter what Sheehy describes in her follow up book, “New Passages,”  as our second adulthood, we’re presented with a multitude of opportunities for self discovery, reinvention,  and “new and more meaningful ways to live.  involuntary losses can become the catalyst for voluntary changes in the practice of our lives, altering the efforts that we make to connect with others, the values we choose to make congruent with our actions, the habits we change to support better health, the responsibilities we accept for mentoring the next generation and civilizing our communities, country, and planet… The massive shift in the passage to second adulthood involves a transition from survival to mastery.”

During our second adulthood the world cries out for our wisdom as never before.

Following is an interview with Gail Shehy speaking with Diane Rehm about the life passages that we each face.

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »

%d bloggers like this: