Spirituality, Therapy, and the Good Life

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The Institute for Spirituality and Psychotherapy offers a number of lectures for download including “The Dark Night of the Soul: Psychological and Spiritual Perspectives.”

The lecture is delivered by psychotherapists Frances Vaughan and Bryan Wittine and is described by the following:

“In contemporary depth psychology, the term ‘dark night of the soul’ is sometimes used to describe periods that are central to the journey of individuation. During these periods old ego-identificationsbreak down and old values no longer hold true. This presentation focuses on how therapists can honor these periods as an opening of our client’s deepest longings so they might come to appreciate life’s greater meanings and find a more fulfilling relationship with Mystery.”

Among the points that Vaughan and Wittine make regarding ‘Dark Nights’ that I found of particular interest were:

There are two types of dark nights according to John of the Cross who coined the phrase; the night of the senses and the night of the spirit.

During the night of the senses we relinquish our appetite for things of this world and our attachment to things of this world – material goods, status, money, etc.

During the night of spirit we relinquish our attachments to spiritual beliefs and ideas in which we are oriented towards separateness and multiplicity and turn instead towards a consciousness where we are oriented toward unity and oneness with the absolute.

During the Night of the spirit our spiritual experiences and beliefs come into question and we are faced with the absense of the divine (nobody is out there giving us answers.)

The dark night is mysterious. We don’t know where it’s going or what we’re supposed to do. And it’s not something that necessarily just happens once. Dark nights seem to generally happen after we’ve experienced some illumination, when we know there’s more. Dark nights are hard to be in and are thought by some to parallel the Buddhist teachings of impermanence. Also, the cultivation of the “don’t know” mind (a Buddhist concept) can be helpful during dark nights.

The dark night of the senses often shows up in midlife when we discover that the right job, car, partner, etc. won’t do it. Ultimate satisfaction will never come from outside of ourselves.

Dark nights involve giving up illusions

Staying with the experience of the dark night eventually leads to the dawning of the light in some way.

During a dark night we frequently feel like victims, feel sorry for ourselves and gradually we may begin to take a stand such as, “this is no longer acceptable.” It is here that we begin to mobilize energy. Often this is angry energy and we enter a period of being an adversary – we may take political action, confront an abuser, become angry at God, etc. Eventually we may shift our anger into a creative endeavor and give up the role of advesary, eventually evolving into co-creators.

Dark nights force us to let go, and every time we let go we are freed up to open our hearts to love.

The dark night is part of the human experience. We can remind each other that we are not alone and that these times are deepening our capacity for compassion and loving kindness.

The dark not is not the same as clinical depression and generally involves the following:

We retain our sense of humor
Our Compassion in enhanced
We feel in spite of the discomfort that there is a sense of rightness about the process
We seldom feel desperate to escape the process
The deeper one goes into the dark night, the qualities of frustration and annoyance diminish and an openness to the dark and not knowing evolves

The dark night has been descriged as a period of ‘divine discontent.’

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Many of us seek the wisdom of a guide when life becomes uncertain, and for some of us, a wise and supportive person is available and willing to offer assistance. Others withdraw, hiding their pain and consequently depriving themselves of the comfort and support that might be available to them if only they were to reach out. And then there are those who incessantly lament or complain, refusing to take full responsibility for resolving their difficulty, they wait for their circumstances to change or for a saviour to arrive. Sadly, in many cases, the rescuer never shows.

All too often when facing a dilemna we fail to trust the wisdom that exists within each of us. Instead, many of us secretly yearn for an all knowing teacher who can provide us with the perfect answers and protect us from making mistakes. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, author of Women Who Run with the Wolves, points out that life itself is our finest teacher, “Life is the teacher that shows up when the student is ready… Life is often the only teacher we are given that is perfect in every way.”

Estes reiminds us that our own lives are a source of tremendous wisdom — our memories, our experiences, our mistakes, our disapointments, our struggles, our pain – every single thing that serves to make up our lives holds valuable lessons than can and will provide enourmous guidance if only we open ourselves up to them.

Frederick Buechner advised, ” “Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and the pain of it no less than the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.”

Resolve to listen to your life, to settle deeply into those teachable and precious moments that are offered up to you, and prepare when ever possible to harvest them.

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In “The four – Fold Way,” Angeles Arrien suggests that each of us ask the following questions and answer those that apply to us. “Where in my life did I stop dancing? Where in my life did I stop singing? Where in my life did I stop being enchanted with stories? Where in my life did I become uncomfortable with the sweet territory of silence?”

The logical next step would be to consider how you might regain what you’ve lost touch with. There are countless gifts that accompany dancing with abandon, singing your heart out, allowing yourself to be completely absorbed in a story while fully open to its lessons, and able to embrace silence as a trusted companion.

So how about if each time you have some time alone you do at least one of the following:

Dance around the house

Meditate

Spend some time outdoors listening to the wind

Sing your heart out

Write in your journal

Draw in your journal

Create a collage

Close your eyes and spend 5 minutes quietly following your breath

Work on your memoir

Close your eyes and listen to meditative or soul expanding music

Read a short story someone recommended

Get in touch with the one who still lives inside of you who used to burst into song and dance spontaneously and who unreservedly believed in magic…

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The Men’s Room is a weekly talk show on men available for viewing online. Thus far the show has covered topics such as:

Boys and Rites of Passage

Men and Depression

Mentoring for Boys

Veterans issues

Images of Men

Male Spirituality

Men and Happiness

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The Men’s Room is a weekly talk show on men available for viewing online. Thus far the show has covered topics such as:

Boys and Rites of Passage

Men and Depression

Mentoring for Boys

Veterans issues

Images of Men

Male Spirituality

Men and Happiness

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The following are links to two articles regarding teens and mental health that were published this week:

Moving increases the risk of suicide in adolescents.

Group Therapy Prevents Depression in Teens

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Is there such a thing as Depressive Personality Disorder? Todd Finnerty believes so.

“Can you think of a person you may have met or treated whose usual mood was gloomy and unhappy, were they critical of themselves and did they brood and tend to worry? Did they tend to be negative and judgmental toward others? Were they pessimistic and prone to feeling guilty or remorseful? Did this person have a Depressive Personality Disorder?”

So begins Todd Finnerty’s thoughtful new book, Depressive Personality Disorder: Understanding Current Trends in Research and Practice which is available for review online.

You can also read Finnerty’s blog here .

A description of his book follows:

“This book answers the question “Does Depressive Personality Disorder exist?” with a concise, readable review of current research. DPD is a valid and clinically useful concept which should be included in DSM-V and ICD-11. DPD was offered as both a diagnosis for further study and an example of a diagnosis that can be made under Personality Disorder NOS in the DSM-IV and DSMIV-TR. The book is intended for professionals, students and anyone else interested in character traits which impact mood. It offers a view of depressive personality disorder supported by current research. Gain a firm background in recent research and theory on DPD and understand its relationship to chronic depression, dysthymic disorder, cognitive vulnerabilities to depression and the Five-Factor Model of Personality.”

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Is there such a thing as Depressive Personality Disorder? Todd Finnerty believes so.

“Can you think of a person you may have met or treated whose usual mood was gloomy and unhappy, were they critical of themselves and did they brood and tend to worry?
Did they tend to be negative and judgmental toward others? Were they pessimistic
and prone to feeling guilty or remorseful? Did this person have a Depressive
Personality Disorder?”

So begins Todd Finnerty’s thoughtful new book, Depressive Personality Disorder: Understanding Current Trends in Research and Practice which is available for review online.
You can also read Finnerty’s blog here .

A description of his book follows:

“This book answers the question “Does Depressive Personality Disorder exist?” with a concise, readable review of current research. DPD is a valid and clinically useful concept which should be included in DSM-V and ICD-11. DPD was offered as both a diagnosis for further
study and an example of a diagnosis that can be made under Personality Disorder NOS in the DSM-IV and DSMIV-TR. The book is intended for professionals, students and anyone else interested in character traits which impact mood. It offers a view of depressive personality
disorder supported by current research. Gain a firm background in recent research and theory on DPD and understand its relationship to chronic depression, dysthymic disorder, cognitive vulnerabilities to depression and the Five-Factor Model of Personality.”

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According to Janice Brewi and Anne Brennan, authors of “Celebrate Midlife: Jungian Archetypes and Midlife Spirituality,” there are two possible catastrophes at midlife. One is to deny the presence of the shadow and hold on firmly to our lifestyle and identity, refusing to surrender outgrown or acknowledge developing aspects of our personalities. This fear to risk, and determination to maintain the status quot, freezes our personal development and deprives us of valuable opportunities for growth. As Brewi and Brennan observe, “one can die at forty and not get buried until ninety. This would surely be a catastrophe.”

The other catastrophe according to Brewi and Brennan would be to embrace our shadows while at the same time rejecting much of what we’ve valued up until this point, deeming most of our past choices to be the wrong ones, and the ‘self’ that we’ve presented to the world up until this point as an impostor. Those of us who respond to our shadows by abandoning all of the now rejected old, in order to be completely free to experiment with the more titillating new, often sabotage their development and risk catastrophic losses.
Psychotherapist, James Dolan, suggests that one of the most obvious ways that we can detect the presence of the shadow is in the simmering depression that haunts so many of us. This depression, from his perspective, is connected to our sorrow, our regret, our resentment, our lost dreams, our creativity, and so many other facets of ourselves that we’ve denied.  Finding oneself is not purely about embracing the desired, or rejecting the unpleasant. Instead, it’s about examination and integration — exploring what fits, letting go of what no longer works, embracing the gifts that we’ve lost or abandoned, and weaving the various strands of the self together to create a whole and unified tapestry.

The years following young adulthood offer as many (if not more) prospects for growth than our often romanticized youth promised. Opening ourselves up to these possibilities by reclaiming or modifying old visions or by creating new dreams fosters hope, discovery and renewal. Focusing on what did not/ might have/ could have/ should have/ and should not have been only leads to prolonged and unnecessary suffering.

It’s impossible to arrive at midlife without being scarred. In “Listening to Midlife” Mark Gerzon points out, “None of us reaches the second half whole… Our health depends on beginning to heal these wounds and finding greater wholeness – and holiness in the second half of our lives.”

The process of healing past wounds and reclaiming lost gifts can often be a painful one, and yet when we proceed with wisdom and integrity, it is always a sacred journey.

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